Why Don't I Enjoy Sex?
Is something wrong with me?
On the outside, everything might look perfect. You’ve got it all together in terms of work, raising the kids, keeping up the social calendar, managing the house, and your relationship with your partner is good, or even great! You might feel like you used to like sex, but you don’t know what happened over the years. Or maybe it was always fine or ok, but never something you REALLY wanted if left to your own devices. Maybe your own devices are the only entities you want to have sex with—when your partner is involved, it’s too easy to just make it all about them, and you have no idea what you want anymore. You might find yourself wondering why you feel so disconnected during sex—thinking about work, the laundry, the kids, or tomorrow's to-do list. Sex feels like another task to complete, and it’s hard to imagine how something that feels like a chore could ever become playful or exciting. But...you WANT to want sex. You miss the idea of desire. You just can't seem to access it. Many people who struggle with low libido are actually experiencing pressure, stress, resentment, or disconnection—not a permanent lack of sexual desire.
Often, this is not about something broken or wrong with you, it’s about disconnection, pressure, or a mismatch. And it is possible to make a change.
Why can’t I figure this out?
You may feel like you’ve tried everything! But you can’t get out of the feelings of avoidance and resentment, trying harder and harder to fix it by performing sex or just getting through it, reading every book and blog you can find. However, all of this has just led to more pressure on yourself and disconnection. When you try to talk to your partner about it, it might even feel like it makes it worse: You see their disappointment and that spirals you into more dutiful sex. The more pressure you feel (from your partner or yourself), the more you will shut down, panic, and disconnect from your body. This is not about a lack of effort, intelligence, or motivation. There is simply too much pressure in the system, and we need to slow down and bring in some space. That’s the only way you’re going to find room for play and creativity!
The most common reasons people don’t enjoy sex :
Emotional / relational causes:
Pressure to perform or “be in the mood”
Feeling emotionally disconnected from partner
Unspoken resentment in the relationship
Lack of safety or ease in communication
A relationship that lacks the skills for emotional intimacy
Nervous system causes:
Stress, burnout, anxiety
Feeling “on” all the time in life
Difficulty dropping into the body
Identity / internal conflict causes:
Not knowing what you actually like
Sex shaped by obligation, not desire
Confusion between “what I should like” vs what feels good
Cultural / gendered pressure:
Especially for women: duty sex, expectation sex
Learning sex as something done for others
The biggest misconception: “I should want sex naturally”
Desire is not natural, it is created, between a person and… another person or people? An image? A physical sensation? Sometimes it is created so quickly you couldn’t even notice! This is what people mean when they talk about “spontaneous desire”. Desire isn't always spontaneous. Many people assume desire should appear out of nowhere—that you should simply feel turned on and want sex. But for many people, desire is something that develops in response to what's happening around them. Responsive desire is when you feel desire in response to something in your environment—something turns you on! Or as Esther Perell says “I turn myself on when…” You might learn you respond to visual cues, memories, touch, or honestly, just vibes.
Lack of desire is also NOT necessarily a lack of attraction. What is most likely the culprit if you are not feeling desire is that there is too much pressure, rather than not enough attraction. Pressure (from life stressors, dutiful sex, or expectations about what sex should look like) is the biggest way to put your foot on the brake of desire.
What is dutiful sex and how does it affect sexuality and relationships?
Many of us are taught (from an insanely young age in fact) that sex is a duty to your partner. This narrative is everywhere once you start to look for it. If you’ve ever heard of “blue balls”, you can see where this pressure begins. Dutiful sex can be:
Having sex to keep peace
Having sex to avoid conflict
Having sex while disconnected or checked out
Giving sex frequently while never or rarely expecting to have sexual pleasure or satisfaction yourself.
Any time sex feels like you just want to “get it over with”.
This kind of sex can still feel rewarding in some ways, which is what makes it so sneaky. You can feel accomplished, like you checked something off your to-do list. You might feel connected to your partner, and happy that you are giving them pleasure. You may have totally eliminated the idea that you would ever have sexual pleasure, so you don’t feel like you’re missing that much anyway.
However, having duty sex too often, and without any expectation of reciprocity can have real, damaging effects on your sexuality and your relationship.
It can create further disconnection from your self, your body, and even your partner
You teach your body that sex = pressure, not pleasure and giving/doing, not receiving/relaxing
You may not notice it at first but you can create resentments and expectations that can be insidious and bleed into other areas of your life “I did all the cooking and cleaning today and NOW I have one more chore!” versus collaboration and empathy with your partner “we both had a hard day, how do we want to connect tonight? What kind of sex sounds good to each of us and what can we come up with together?”
As you can imagine, this takes a toll on emotional intimacy, especially when these problems go unspoken.
What actually helps? Spoiler alert: it’s not a new toy.
First and foremost, you have to accept that if you want to build a new relationship with sex, this is a whole ass project. There are no quick tips that will turn your sex life around in 30 days with little to no emotional investment. There is some of this that you can do on your own, but as you may have guessed, it is also going to involve potentially difficult conversations with and the participation of your partner.
Slowing down and acknowledging what is causing the disconnections is the first step.
This can be extremely uncomfortable for both you and your partner, so it is essential to spot and remove blame. Couples counseling may be necessary for this, because blame can be extremely hard to spot on your own!
Removing the pressure for orgasm and creating a genuine agreement that sex can stop at any point—without disappointment, guilt, or hurt feelings taking over the room—is essential.
Through inquiry and connection, we build real emotional safety
Exploring the narratives that lurk in the background that separated you from your own sexuality to connect with. These can start at a shockingly young age!
After you’re feeling more relaxed, you can begin to explore what pleasure feels like and what your body responds to.
Only then, can the REALY fun begin!
When do I need to get a therapist or coach to help?
As you are beginning to see, the work of deconstructing anxiety and pressure during sex to make way for fun, desire, playfulness, and ease can be a bit daunting. Although this may seem like bad news, I am here to tell you that a life without challenge is extremely boring and has its own problems. While you may not be stoked for the process, the outcome can be transformational and you can end up a with a (sex) life you never dreamed was possible!
If the themes in this article are resonating with you, it can be a good idea to get support whether through individual or relationship therapy. Especially if you are non-monogamous, or in the lifestyle, and feel like you are having lots of sex but everyone else seems to be having way more fun than you are, it can be really helpful to have a guide who knows about your experiences and understands the scene. Not all sex therapy is specialized for non-monogamy, but there are many sex therapists who can be a good fit.
The narratives that drive our sex lives start young and are really hard to catch, so having someone else spot when you are accidentally treating your sexuality in a toxic way can be essential to making the changes you need. It might surprise you how hard it is to actually talk about sex, even if you are having a lot of it or thinking about it a lot, so sometimes therapy or coaching can help with just having a space for open communication about sex.
TLDR: You are not broken
So much training from the outside world has landed you here. It is a real, intentional project of deciding what YOU believe about sex and letting go of old pressures to free yourself up to have the sex life of your dreams (or to even know what you dream of!). There is nothing wrong with you for wanting a different relationship with sex than the one you've been handed. The good news is that desire, pleasure, and connection are skills that can be cultivated. There is a path forward—and you don't have to find it alone.
Many of my clients are incredibly competent people. They can run businesses, raise children, manage households, and solve complicated problems at work. Then they come into my office and discover that when it comes to sex, they have no idea what they want, what they enjoy, or how to ask for it. That's not a personal failure. It's usually the result of years of training to focus on everyone else's needs before your own.
If this message resonates, click here to sign up for a free consultation call with me to see if I am a fit for you! As always, if I am not right for you, I will do my very best to guide you to resources that can help!