Should We Open Our Relationship? Maybe You're Asking the Wrong Question.

One of the most common conversations I have with couples starts with a surprisingly simple question:

"We're thinking about opening our relationship. What do you think?"

Sometimes one partner is excited and has been reading books, listening to podcasts, and imagining what their future could look like. Sometimes the other partner is sitting in front of me looking like they would rather be literally anywhere else. Sometimes both people are genuinely curious, and sometimes one of them has agreed to have the conversation because they are terrified that saying "no" means losing the relationship.

If you've found yourself asking whether you should open your relationship, I want to start by saying something that might feel relieving (or terrifying, depending on your disposition): there isn't a right answer. There isn't a relationship referee somewhere deciding whether monogamy, polyamory, swinging, or another form of ethical non-monogamy is the healthiest choice. Every relationship structure comes with opportunities, challenges, sacrifices, and rewards. My job as a non-monogamy coach and therapist isn't to convince you that one is better than another (and I honestly don’t think that way!). My job is to help you make a decision that feels like it belongs to you, rather than one driven by fear, pressure, or the hope that changing the structure of your relationship will solve a problem that actually lives somewhere else.

That distinction matters because people often come looking for an answer about non-monogamy when what they're really struggling with is something much deeper.

Sometimes it's a conversation about desire or identity. Sometimes it's about loneliness inside a relationship that otherwise looks "good." Sometimes it's about wanting more novelty, more adventure, or more freedom than your current relationship seems to allow.

And sometimes, if we're being honest, it's about hoping that changing the rules will be easier than having a painful conversation about what has been missing between the two of you for years.

None of those motivations are wrong. In fact, they're incredibly human. But they lead to very different paths, which is why I think the question "Should we open our relationship?" can accidentally send couples looking for answers before they've really understood the problem they're trying to solve.

The relationship structure usually isn't the first problem.

One of the biggest misconceptions about my work is that because I specialize in non-monogamy coaching, I'm enthusiastic about every couple opening their relationship.

I'm not.

I'm also not secretly hoping everyone decides to stay monogamous.

I have seen deeply connected monogamous couples. I've seen deeply connected polyamorous relationships. I've seen open relationships that are joyful, thoughtful, and secure, and I've seen monogamous marriages that are painfully lonely. I've also seen the reverse.

After years of doing this work, I have become much less interested in what relationship structure people choose and much more interested in how they make that decision together.

For example, if a couple has difficulty talking about disappointment without blaming each other, that pattern will almost certainly follow them into an open relationship. If one partner tends to ignore their own needs until resentment builds, opening the relationship won't magically teach them how to advocate for themselves. If sex has become full of pressure, avoidance, or obligation, dating other people may create new experiences, but it won't necessarily resolve the dynamics that made sex feel difficult in the first place.

That's why I often tell couples that relationship structures don't eliminate problems—they illuminate them.

Sometimes that's exactly what people need. Sometimes it's overwhelming. Either way, it's worth knowing before you make a major decision.

Before you decide whether to open your relationship, spend some time with these questions.

I don't mean answer them over dinner in fifteen minutes. I mean really sit with them, individually and together.

• What are we hoping will be different if we open our relationship? Try to be as specific as possible. Are you hoping for more excitement? More sexual fulfillment? More autonomy? A stronger sense of identity? Understanding the hope underneath the idea is often more useful than debating the idea itself.

• If opening our relationship weren't an option, what conversation would we need to have instead? This is one of my favorite questions because it gently exposes the conversations people have been avoiding. Sometimes the answer is about sex. Sometimes it's grief. Sometimes it's acknowledging that one partner has felt lonely for years.

• Can each of us honestly say no? Healthy exploration requires genuine consent, not reluctant compliance. If either of you feels that saying "no" would automatically end the relationship, it's probably worth slowing down before making a decision. Even if you decide to try it anyway, uncovering this power dynamic is really important in order to be able to acknowledge what is needed to bring enough safety to the experience.

• How do we each handle uncertainty? Many people imagine that once they choose a relationship structure, they'll finally feel certain. In reality, every relationship asks us to tolerate uncertainty. Ethical non-monogamy doesn't remove that challenge; in many ways, it asks even more of it.

These questions aren't designed to point you toward monogamy or non-monogamy. They're designed to help you become more differentiated—to notice your own thoughts, values, fears, and desires without immediately reacting to them. Ironically, slowing down like this often leads to much clearer decisions than trying to solve the problem as quickly as possible.

One of the greatest gifts of this conversation has nothing to do with non-monogamy.

Whether a couple ultimately decides to remain monogamous, open their relationship, or realizes they want entirely different things, I almost always hope they leave the process with something more valuable than an answer.

I hope they understand themselves better.

I hope they become more capable of talking about uncomfortable topics without immediately defending themselves or blaming each other.

I hope they learn to notice when they're acting from fear instead of curiosity, or from obligation instead of genuine desire.

Those are skills that improve every relationship you'll ever have, regardless of its structure.

In many ways, I think that's the real work. Ethical non-monogamy isn't a destination. Neither is monogamy. They're both relationship structures that ask us to know ourselves, communicate honestly, tolerate uncertainty, and continue growing over time. The people who tend to thrive aren't necessarily the ones who picked the "right" relationship model. They're the ones who developed the emotional skills to navigate whichever model they chose.

When it makes sense to get support

If you've been having the same conversation over and over again, or if discussions about opening your relationship quickly become polarized, this is often a good time to bring someone else into the process. Working with a non-monogamy coach, an open relationship therapist, or a professional who understands ethical non-monogamy can help you slow the conversation down enough to understand what each of you is actually trying to say beneath the fear, excitement, or conflict.

You don't need to have already decided what you want. In fact, uncertainty is often the best place to begin. The goal isn't for someone else to tell you whether to open your relationship. It's to become clear enough that, whatever decision you make, it feels thoughtful, collaborative, and aligned with the life the two of you actually want to create together.

If you are interested in finding out if working with me could be helpful, click here to schedule a free, 15 minute consultation so you can ask all your questions!

Why Do Couples Keep Having the Same Fight?

How it Starts:

You've had this conversation before.

Maybe dozens of times.

One of you says, "You never help around the house."

The other says, "Nothing I do is ever enough.”

Or maybe it's about sex.

Money.

The kids.

Your in-laws.

Jealousy.

Time together.

Opening the relationship.

Closing the relationship.

Whose turn it is to make dinner.

Every time, you swear this is going to be the conversation that finally solves it.

And yet, a week later, you're right back where you started.

If you're wondering, "Why do we keep having the same fight?" the answer probably isn't because you're bad at communicating. More often, it's because you're trying to solve the wrong problem.

Have you ever heard that when you pick your partner, you pick your problem? It is widely known for couples therapists that couples’ problems will persist—the problems themselves will usually stay the same, you just need to work on how to talk about them without ruining the relationship.

Underneath these surface level problems, are questions that sound more like:

• Am I important to you?

• Can I count on you?

• Do you see how hard I'm trying?

• Will you choose me?

• Am I allowed to have needs?

• Do you actually understand me?

• Are we still on the same team?

Those are much more difficult conversations to have. So instead, we argue about whose turn it was to empty the dishwasher. The good news is that sometimes, if we can let our guard down, and really let each other in, that vulnerability is really what opens the other person up, too. Focusing on what’s below the surface helps us to see the patterns that we’re getting trapped in, and open up some space for something new to happen.

Getting Ensnared in Trying to “Win” an Argument

When we're hurt, our brain naturally starts building a case. We gather evidence. We remember (and remind our partner of) every similar thing that's ever happened. We prepare closing arguments worthy of a courtroom drama (and let me tell you, I’ve heard some good cases that I truly admire!).

We feel like if we can just explain ourselves well enough, maybe our partner will finally understand!

Unfortunately, that's usually the moment your partner starts building their case.

Now both of you are trying to prove you're right.

Almost nobody is trying to understand what the conflict is trying to tell you.

If I had a dollar (adjusted for inflation) for every time a couple came into therapy telling me they needed to work on "communication," I'd be a very rich lady. Sometimes couples even tell me, "We communicate really well!" Usually, what they mean is, "We communicate a lot." Those are not the same thing.

The solution is rarely more communication. In fact, many couples are already talking themselves in circles. The solution is better communication—and better communication requires something much harder than just talking. It requires slowing down long enough to develop self-awareness, take ownership of your own part in the pattern, and become genuinely curious about your partner's experience. Both people have to be willing to do that.

The Pattern Is Usually More Important Than the Topic

One of the first things I listen for in couples therapy isn't what you're arguing about.

It's how you argue.

Does one person pursue while the other shuts down?

Does one person criticize while the other becomes defensive?

Does one person anxiously try to fix everything while the other feels overwhelmed?

Do you both become experts on proving your own perspective?

These patterns often repeat whether the topic is sex, parenting, finances, chores, or non-monogamy.

Change the topic, and the dance stays the same. Couples are often surprised to discover that once they change the dance, the original problem starts feeling much smaller—or becomes surprisingly easy to solve.

The Real Goal Isn't to Agree

One of the biggest misconceptions about healthy relationships is that successful couples don't disagree.

Not true.

Healthy couples disagree all the time.

The difference is that they know how to stay connected while they disagree. Or to agree to disagree and then really let it go.

In my work with couples—including monogamous couples, queer couples, and people practicing ethical non-monogamy—I rarely see lasting change happen because someone finally "won" the argument.

Change happens when both people begin feeling understood.

That doesn't mean agreement.

It means each person feels like the other genuinely gets where they're coming from.

That creates enough safety to start solving problems together instead of solving each other.

Stop Asking, "Who's Right?"

Instead, try asking:

• What are we protecting?

• What feels threatened right now?

• What need isn't getting expressed?

• What emotion keeps showing up underneath this argument?

• What happens right before we get stuck?

These questions slow the conversation down.

They move you away from blame and toward curiosity.

And curiosity is almost always more productive than certainty.

You Can Love Someone and Still Get Stuck

One of the hardest things for couples to accept is that repeating the same fight doesn't necessarily mean you're incompatible.

It often means your nervous systems have learned a familiar pattern.

When we feel criticized, abandoned, rejected, misunderstood, or overwhelmed, we tend to reach for protective strategies.

We defend.

We withdraw.

We explain.

We criticize.

We people-please.

We shut down.

None of these reactions make you a bad partner. They're human attempts to protect ourselves when we feel hurt, scared, or disconnected. The challenge is that the very strategies that help us survive conflict often make us feel even farther apart. That's why these patterns can be so difficult to change on your own. Part of a healthy relationship is becoming willing to confront your own blind spots while also accepting that the person you love is beautifully imperfect, too.

Couples Therapy Isn't About Picking Sides

One of the things clients tell me they appreciate most is that they don't feel like I'm deciding who the "good" partner is. This might sound quite disappointing to you, and I can hold space for that (lol). I am not going to sit back and ignore an obvious abuse of power or a harmful dynamic in a couple, but in general, I want to help both of you to find what you need to learn from this conflict you’ve found yourselves in.

One of the biggest shifts I help couples make is moving away from trying to change each other and toward understanding what each person actually has control over. That doesn't mean letting your partner off the hook—it means recognizing that lasting change almost always starts with taking ownership of your own side of the dance. My job is to interrupt the blame game long enough for both of you to become curious again about what could be possible!

You Don't Need Better Arguments. You Need Better Questions.

If you and your partner keep having the same fight, resist the urge to become a better lawyer.

Become a better observer.

Notice the moments when the conversation turns from connection into competition.

Notice what each of you is trying to protect.

Notice the assumptions you make about each other's intentions.

Most importantly, notice when you're no longer solving a problem together and have started trying to solve your partner.

The strongest relationships aren't built by couples who never argue.

They're built by couples who learn how to recognize their patterns, understand what those patterns are protecting, and find their way back onto the same team.

That's the work of therapy. Not deciding who's right—but helping you understand each other well enough that the same fight no longer needs to happen. And that when it does, you know what to do with it, together.

If this sounds like you, or you think you and your partner could use come help untangling these recurrent arguments, click here to set up a free consultation to see if I would be a good fit for therapy for you!

How To Stop Overthinking Your Relationship

Is being in a relationship supposed to be this hard?

You replay conversations in your head. You analyze text messages. You wonder whether you should bring something up, let it go, set a boundary, leave, stay, ask for reassurance, stop needing reassurance, read another book, listen to another podcast, talk to another friend. Your brain is working overtime trying to solve the problem, and yet somehow, you feel farther away from clarity than ever.

If this sounds familiar, you are not alone. Many of the people I work with are incredibly thoughtful, intelligent people. They are used to solving problems. At work, this is often a superpower. In relationships, it can become a trap.

The problem isn't that you're thinking too much. The problem is that you're trying to think your way out of uncertainty.

The Hidden Promise Of Overthinking

Most overthinking starts with a good intention.

We think:

"If I just think this through, I'll finally know what to do" (and that will be that!)

If we can figure out exactly why our partner said that thing, exactly what their behavior means, exactly whether this relationship is right, exactly what the future holds, then maybe we can finally relax.

But relationships don't work that way. No amount of thinking can give you certainty about another human being. At some point, overthinking stops being a search for answers and becomes an attempt to avoid anxiety. The thinking itself starts to feel productive, even when it isn't actually moving you forward. Actually feeling the anxiety of uncertainty, the pain of the slight, or the tension of letting a miscommunication dissipate becomes intolerable, when maybe that’s what you should be doing.

Observation Is Different Than Analysis

One of the most important skills I teach clients is the difference between observing and analyzing.

Analyzing sounds like:

• What does this mean?

• Why did they do that?

• What should I do next?

• Is this a red flag?

• Am I being unreasonable?

• What if this means the relationship is doomed?

Observing sounds like:

• When they said that, I felt hurt.

• I notice I've been anxious all week.

• I notice I'm hoping they'll change.

• I notice I keep bringing up the same complaint.

• I notice I feel more like their parent than their partner.

• I see that even though I asked them to do “x”, they did “y”

Observation gives you information. Analysis often gives you more anxiety. The goal isn't to stop thinking altogether. The goal is to gather information before deciding what it means. And to recognize when you are trying to analyze your way out of uncertainty, rather than facing the fact that something right now is unknowable.

Stop Fixing And Start Watching

One of the hardest truths about relationships is that people reveal themselves over time.

When we're anxious, we often rush this process. We explain away behavior, we make excuses, we confront too quickly, we try to teach, we try to fix.

We try to get clarity before clarity is actually available.

Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is slow down and observe. What happens if you stop trying to manage the situation for a moment? What happens if you simply watch?

Not forever. Not passively. Just long enough to see what is actually happening.

People tend to show you who they are when you stop trying to influence the outcome. This is, perhaps, what you are afraid to allow to happen, even if you can’t admit that to yourself! Speaking from experience, here. But it is the only way to get closer to a real knowing of what to do.

Differentiation: Letting Other People Be Themselves

A lot of relationship anxiety comes from believing that your wellbeing depends on what your partner does next.

If they change, you'll be okay.

If they reassure you, you'll be okay.

If they communicate better, you'll be okay.

If they finally understand your point of view, you'll be okay.

Differentiation is the practice of staying connected to yourself while allowing someone else to be who they are.

It means recognizing that your partner's feelings are theirs.

Your feelings are yours.

Their choices are theirs.

Your choices are yours.

This doesn't mean becoming cold or detached. It means learning that you don't have to control someone else's behavior in order to be okay.

This is often where overthinking starts to loosen its grip. It is also way easier said than done. There are so many mental gymnastics to unpack in order to see this clearly.

Are You Gathering Information Or Trying To Force An Outcome?

The next time you find yourself spiraling about your relationship, ask yourself:

"Am I gathering information, or am I trying to force certainty?"

This might be harder to figure out than it sounds. Really try to slow yourself down. Breathe. Journal. Ask a friend “do I sound anxious?”

Relationships require action sometimes. Difficult conversations matter. Boundaries matter. Decisions matter. But those actions become much more effective when they're grounded in reality rather than panic.

You Don't Need More Thinking. You Need More Trust.

Not necessarily trust in your partner. Some of what is making you anxious is perhaps that you do not trust something in the relationship, and that is ok and normal in many situations. Indeed it can be an opportunity to build trust or to grow.

Perhaps what you really need to build first, however, is trust in yourself:

Trust that you can tolerate uncertainty.

Trust that you can observe what is happening without immediately reacting to it.

Trust that if a problem exists, you will be able to address it (when the time is right, which is perhaps not yet).

Trust that you don't need to solve your entire relationship today.

The people I see make the biggest changes are not the ones who become better analyzers. They are the ones who become better observers. They learn to slow down, pay attention, and trust themselves enough to respond to reality instead of reacting to fear. And from that place, clarity tends to arrive on its own.

If this resonates, but you are mired in the process of discerning anxiety from grounded thinking and problem solving—I would be happy to help you work through this! You can click here to schedule a free, 15 minute consultation call with me!

Am I Polyamorous, Or Just Unhappy In My Relationship?

The Question Nobody Wants To Ask

There are so many ways you can come to this moment, where you start to question everything. Perhaps you've met someone and felt something wake up inside you. The conversations flow effortlessly. You feel more alive, more curious, more like yourself. Suddenly you're questioning everything. 

Or perhaps you’ve always felt like monogamy didn’t make sense, but never really gave it too much thought until you read a book, New York Times article, or Instagram post. 

Or perhaps your relationship is actually pretty good, which makes the whole thing even more confusing.

Either way, you might be wondering if this is real, “Am I actually polyamorous?” or should you just be ending the monogamous relationship you’re in and moving on. 

This can be terrifying, because the implications of actually thinking of answers to this question can be so far reaching in your life. 

Why This Question Is So Hard To Answer

When we're unhappy, everything gets blurry.

You may be questioning:

• your relationship

• your sexuality

• your life choices

• your identity

All at the same time! This is extremely disorienting and confusing, your brain jumping from one topic to the next–if you could only fix this thing, everything would fall into place! But it really can just lead you down endless rabbit holes, where you can never feel like you’ve landed on what to do next. This is what’s so confusing about the unknown, the liminal space you are in. You are in the middle of what came before (I am in a relationship I love) and what comes next (????)

What Polyamory Is NOT

Polyamory is not:

• never feeling jealous

• cheating

• wanting lots of sex

• having a crush

• being bored

• avoiding commitment

• wanting an escape hatch

Signs You Might Be Unhappy In Your Relationship

Examples:

• chronic resentment

• unresolved conflict

• emotional disconnection

• feeling unseen

• loss of trust

• inability to be yourself

None of these automatically mean you're monogamous. But they deserve attention before making major relationship decisions. If you decide to pursue non-monogamy, these issues don't magically disappear. In fact, non-monogamy often shines a brighter spotlight on existing relationship problems. Additionally, working through some of these issues is a great way to answer the question for yourself of whether you are unhappy in your current relationship and whether your relationship can be fixed. If you’ve ever wondered “how do I know if this relationship is over?” start trying in earnest to work on your issues. How your partner responds—and how you feel in the process—can be incredibly informative.

Signs Non-Monogamy May Be What You Really Want

• curiosity that has persisted for years

• desire for autonomy, not just novelty

• interest in multiple relationships even during good periods

• values alignment with non-monogamy

• attraction to the philosophy, not just a person

• willingness to self-reflect, do hard relational work, and handle big emotions

The Trap: Looking For The Relationship Structure That Will Save You

People often ask:

"Would I be happier if I were poly?"

But the deeper question is:

"What am I hoping polyamory will solve?"

This isn't a trick question. Sometimes the answer really is "quite a lot." But it's worth slowing down long enough to understand what you're asking a relationship structure to do for you. Think for yourself if there are also some other things missing like skills, willingness, and time to prioritize these things that might be getting in your way whether you are polyamorous or monogamous. 

Check yourself to see if any of the following resonate as answers to that question: 

• loneliness

• boredom

• lack of intimacy

• fear of commitment

• fear of missing out

• sexual dissatisfaction

Some of those are solved by non-monogamy. Many are not.

Questions To Ask Yourself

• If my current relationship improved dramatically, would I still be interested in polyamory?

• What specifically appeals to me about non-monogamy?

• Am I moving toward something or away from something?

• Am I seeking more freedom and connection, or am I mostly seeking relief from pain?

• What am I hoping will change?

You Don't Have To Know Yet

You don't need to declare yourself polyamorous today.

You don't need to promise lifelong monogamy today.

Curiosity is allowed.

Exploration is allowed.

Not knowing is allowed.

Whether you're questioning monogamy, exploring polyamory, or trying to understand why your relationship no longer feels right, it can be incredibly helpful to have a space dedicated to sorting through these questions. The answer is rarely as simple as "you're polyamorous" or "you're unhappy." More often, it's a nuanced exploration of your values, desires, fears, and relationship patterns. You don't have to figure that out alone.

If you'd like support exploring these questions, I'd love to help. Click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call and see if we're a good fit.

Why Don't I Enjoy Sex?

Is something wrong with me?

On the outside, everything might look perfect. You’ve got it all together in terms of work, raising the kids, keeping up the social calendar, managing the house, and your relationship with your partner is good, or even great! You might feel like you used to like sex, but you don’t know what happened over the years. Or maybe it was always fine or ok, but never something you REALLY wanted if left to your own devices. Maybe your own devices are the only entities you want to have sex with—when your partner is involved, it’s too easy to just make it all about them, and you have no idea what you want anymore. You might find yourself wondering why you feel so disconnected during sex—thinking about work, the laundry, the kids, or tomorrow's to-do list. Sex feels like another task to complete, and it’s hard to imagine how something that feels like a chore could ever become playful or exciting. But...you WANT to want sex. You miss the idea of desire. You just can't seem to access it. Many people who struggle with low libido are actually experiencing pressure, stress, resentment, or disconnection—not a permanent lack of sexual desire.

Often, this is not about something broken or wrong with you, it’s about disconnection, pressure, or a mismatch. And it is possible to make a change. 

Why can’t I figure this out?

You may feel like you’ve tried everything! But you can’t get out of the feelings of avoidance and resentment, trying harder and harder to fix it by performing sex or just getting through it, reading every book and blog you can find. However, all of this has just led to more pressure on yourself and disconnection. When you try to talk to your partner about it, it might even feel like it makes it worse: You see their disappointment and that spirals you into more dutiful sex. The more pressure you feel (from your partner or yourself), the more you will shut down, panic, and disconnect from your body. This is not about a lack of effort, intelligence, or motivation. There is simply too much pressure in the system, and we need to slow down and bring in some space. That’s the only way you’re going to find room for play and creativity!

The most common reasons people don’t enjoy sex :

Emotional / relational causes:

• Pressure to perform or “be in the mood”

• Feeling emotionally disconnected from partner

• Unspoken resentment in the relationship

• Lack of safety or ease in communication

• A relationship that lacks the skills for emotional intimacy

Nervous system causes:

• Stress, burnout, anxiety

• Feeling “on” all the time in life

• Difficulty dropping into the body

Identity / internal conflict causes:

• Not knowing what you actually like

• Sex shaped by obligation, not desire

• Confusion between “what I should like” vs what feels good

Cultural / gendered pressure:

• Especially for women: duty sex, expectation sex

• Learning sex as something done for others

The biggest misconception: “I should want sex naturally”

Desire is not natural, it is created, between a person and… another person or people? An image? A physical sensation?  Sometimes it is created so quickly you couldn’t even notice! This is what people mean when they talk about “spontaneous desire”. Desire isn't always spontaneous. Many people assume desire should appear out of nowhere—that you should simply feel turned on and want sex. But for many people, desire is something that develops in response to what's happening around them. Responsive desire is when you feel desire in response to something in your environment—something turns you on! Or as Esther Perell says “I turn myself on when…” You might learn you respond to visual cues, memories, touch, or honestly, just vibes. 

Lack of desire is also NOT necessarily a lack of attraction. What is most likely the culprit if you are not feeling desire is that there is too much pressure, rather than not enough attraction. Pressure (from life stressors, dutiful sex, or expectations about what sex should look like) is the biggest way to put your foot on the brake of desire. 

What is dutiful sex and how does it affect sexuality and relationships? 

Many of us are taught (from an insanely young age in fact) that sex is a duty to your partner. This narrative is everywhere once you start to look for it. If you’ve ever heard of “blue balls”, you can see where this pressure begins. Dutiful sex can be: 

• Having sex to keep peace

• Having sex to avoid conflict

• Having sex while disconnected or checked out

• Giving sex frequently while never or rarely expecting to have sexual pleasure or satisfaction yourself.

• Any time sex feels like you just want to “get it over with”.

This kind of sex can still feel rewarding in some ways, which is what makes it so sneaky. You can feel accomplished, like you checked something off your to-do list. You might feel connected to your partner, and happy that you are giving them pleasure. You may have totally eliminated the idea that you would ever have sexual pleasure, so you don’t feel like you’re missing that much anyway.

However, having duty sex too often, and without any expectation of reciprocity can have real, damaging effects on your sexuality and your relationship. 

• It can create further disconnection from your self, your body, and even your partner

• You teach your body that sex = pressure, not pleasure and giving/doing, not receiving/relaxing

• You may not notice it at first but you can create resentments and expectations that can be insidious and bleed into other areas of your life “I did all the cooking and cleaning today and NOW I have one more chore!” versus collaboration and empathy with your partner “we both had a hard day, how do we want to connect tonight? What kind of sex sounds good to each of us and what can we come up with together?”

• As you can imagine, this takes a toll on emotional intimacy, especially when these problems go unspoken. 

What actually helps? Spoiler alert: it’s not a new toy.

First and foremost, you have to accept that if you want to build a new relationship with sex, this is a whole ass project. There are no quick tips that will turn your sex life around in 30 days with little to no emotional investment. There is some of this that you can do on your own, but as you may have guessed, it is also going to involve potentially difficult conversations with and the participation of your partner.

• Slowing down and acknowledging what is causing the disconnections is the first step. 

  • This can be extremely uncomfortable for both you and your partner, so it is essential to spot and remove blame. Couples counseling may be necessary for this, because blame can be extremely hard to spot on your own!

  • Removing the pressure for orgasm and creating a genuine agreement that sex can stop at any point—without disappointment, guilt, or hurt feelings taking over the room—is essential.

• Through inquiry and connection, we build real emotional safety

• Exploring the narratives that lurk in the background that separated you from your own sexuality to connect with. These can start at a shockingly young age!

• After you’re feeling more relaxed, you can begin to explore what pleasure feels like and what your body responds to.

• Only then, can the REALY fun begin! 

When do I need to get a therapist or coach to help?

As you are beginning to see, the work of deconstructing anxiety and pressure during sex to make way for fun, desire, playfulness, and ease can be a bit daunting. Although this may seem like bad news, I am here to tell you that a life without challenge is extremely boring and has its own problems. While you may not be stoked for the process, the outcome can be transformational and you can end up a with a (sex) life you never dreamed was possible! 

If the themes in this article are resonating with you, it can be a good idea to get support whether through individual or relationship therapy. Especially if you are non-monogamous, or in the lifestyle, and feel like you are having lots of sex but everyone else seems to be having way more fun than you are,  it can be really helpful to have a guide who knows about your experiences and understands the scene. Not all sex therapy is specialized for non-monogamy, but there are many sex therapists who can be a good fit. 

The narratives that drive our sex lives start young and are really hard to catch, so having someone else spot when you are accidentally treating your sexuality in a toxic way can be essential to making the changes you need. It might surprise you how hard it is to actually talk about sex, even if you are having a lot of it or thinking about it a lot, so sometimes therapy or coaching can help with just having a space for open communication about sex. 

TLDR: You are not broken

So much training from the outside world has landed you here. It is a real, intentional project of deciding what YOU believe about sex and letting go of old pressures to free yourself up to have the sex life of your dreams (or to even know what you dream of!). There is nothing wrong with you for wanting a different relationship with sex than the one you've been handed. The good news is that desire, pleasure, and connection are skills that can be cultivated. There is a path forward—and you don't have to find it alone.

Many of my clients are incredibly competent people. They can run businesses, raise children, manage households, and solve complicated problems at work. Then they come into my office and discover that when it comes to sex, they have no idea what they want, what they enjoy, or how to ask for it. That's not a personal failure. It's usually the result of years of training to focus on everyone else's needs before your own.

If this message resonates, click here to sign up for a free consultation call with me to see if I am a fit for you! As always, if I am not right for you, I will do my very best to guide you to resources that can help! 

My Husband Wants an Open Relationship. I Don't. Now What?

First: Don't Panic

Your husband tells you he wants an open relationship.

Maybe he says he's interested in non-monogamy.

Maybe he wants to try swinging.

Maybe he's developed feelings for someone else.

Maybe he says he's always been curious.

Whatever the reason, you feel like your whole world is coming apart.

You might be wondering:

• Is my marriage over?

• Does this mean I'm not enough?

• Is he already cheating?

• Am I being pressured into something I don't want?

• What if I lose him?

• What if I say yes and hate it?

• What if I say no and lose my marriage?

Take a breath.

The fact that your partner wants an open relationship does not automatically mean your relationship is doomed.

But it does mean there are important conversations ahead.

What Makes This So Painful?

One of the hardest parts is that couples are often having two different conversations without realizing it.

One partner is talking about possibility.

The other partner is experiencing threat.

Your husband may be thinking:

"What if there are ways we could experience more freedom, growth, or adventure?"

Meanwhile, you may be hearing:

"You're not enough."

And until both experiences are understood, it's almost impossible to move forward productively. It’s also very difficult for you to determine what you actually want and what is actually possible when you are panicked, and desperate to save your marriage. 

The Most Common Mistake Couples Make

Many couples rush to answer the question:

"Should we open our relationship?"

Too often, they skip the more important question:

"Why is this coming up?"

Before making any decisions, it's worth slowing down and getting curious.

What does non-monogamy represent to each of you?

Freedom?

Sexual exploration?

A mismatch in desire?

A need for novelty?

A fear of commitment?

A longing to feel more alive?

This is an opportunity to connect before making earth-shattering changes. So often people dive in too quickly because they’ve been avoiding the issue for too long. You really need a transition period that involves really confronting the idea together. You may have never negotiated anything like this before, so getting a couples therapist who specializes in non-monogamy or polyamory can be very helpful! 

You Do Not Have To Decide Today

Many people feel pressured to immediately choose.

Yes or no.

Open or closed.

Stay or leave.

But most healthy decisions happen after understanding—not during panic.

You are allowed to:

• Take your time

• Ask questions

• Feel conflicted

• Change your mind

• Gather information

• Not know yet

The goal is not to become comfortable with non-monogamy overnight.

The goal is to understand yourself, and this happens slowly over time with experiences and reflection. And collaboration with your spouse. 

What If I Never Want Non-Monogamy?

This is one of the biggest fears people bring into my office.

"What if this is something my partner truly wants, and I don't?"

The answer is simple, but not easy:

You are allowed to have limits.

Non-monogamy is not inherently more evolved than monogamy.

Monogamy is not inherently more secure than non-monogamy.

The goal isn't to figure out which relationship structure is superior.

The goal is to figure out which relationship structure is aligned with your values, and what suits you. 

You do not owe anyone access to your body, your relationship, or your consent simply because they discovered something important about themselves. Of course, this may mean confronting some uncomfortable conversations and consequences, but it is better to address it than to let it fester or try to avoid it. 

What If Part Of Me Is Curious?

Sometimes people arrive certain they want to say no.

Then, as the panic settles, they discover curiosity underneath the fear.

Not always.

But sometimes.

It can be helpful to have a private space to explore your curiosity without pressure. It is really difficult to uncover what you may be interested in when you feel like you have to figure this out or conform in order to please someone else. This might be an area where individual therapy can be more helpful than couples therapy, so that you can try to understand yourself better and explore what interests you without the gaze of your partner, and all their hopes and desires, pushing you in a certain direction. 

The Real Work

Whether you ultimately choose monogamy, non-monogamy, or something in between, the deeper work is often surprisingly similar.

Learning to:

• Communicate honestly

• Identify your needs

• Set boundaries

• Tolerate uncertainty

• Understand jealousy

• Build trust

• Advocate for yourself

• Stay connected during conflict

These are relationship skills that matter no matter what structure you choose.

You Don't Have To Figure This Out Alone

If your husband wants an open relationship and you're feeling overwhelmed, confused, angry, curious, or terrified, you're not broken and you're not behind.

This is one of the most emotionally complex conversations a couple can have.

And it's okay if you need support.

You don't have to rush toward a decision.

You don't have to convince yourself to want something you don't want.

You don't have to figure it all out today.

You just need a place to start. 

If you're struggling with questions about desire, sexuality, or non-monogamy, I offer therapy in California and coaching nationwide. Click here to schedule a free consultation call to see if I would be a good fit to support you or your relationship!

Why “Magnificent Sex: Lessons from Extraordinary Lovers” is the Number One Book I Recommend to Clients

This book has already changed the sex lives of so many people i know, friends and clients included. As the authors point out, prior to the research that this book is based on, sex was always studied from the point of view of pathology. The questions of pathology will be familiar to you: “why won’t the penis go up?” “why is the pussy not getting wet?” “why is one partner lower desire than the other?” These kinds of questions come from the perspective that “something is wrong!” (or not “normal”) and we need to fix it, and then sex will be good again. 

Kleinplatsz and Ménard argue convincingly that finding the answers to these questions leads us to “functional” “sex”, but … so what? Should sex therapists get a standing ovation for helping two people get a penis into a vagina for long enough that ejaculation happens? I guess thats….fine? But wouldn’t it be nice to know what else could be possible? What conditions create the ability for two or more people to engage in something transcendent? What can we learn from these magnificent experiences that will help us earthlings elevate what we expect from sexual encounters with our lovers and friends? 

The experience of reading this book for me, as a sex therapist, was both that everything I read felt obvious and like I’d never heard it before. The authors do an excellent job of presenting the myriad and fascinating findings in their qualitative research in a way that is compelling, approachable, thought-provoking, and immediately applicable. They invite the reader to ask questions of themselves, to imagine what’s possible, and to see where they’ve gone astray in following some of the standard fare expectations of sex. Hilariously, they also roast several of the respondents who are sex therapists and so-called “experts” for peddling beliefs that their findings quickly refute. 

This book is available on audiobook, and I’ve had several clients really enjoy consuming it that way. I have the physical copy, and my only critique is that the quotes from the study participants, which really bring the material to life, are not edited for read-ability and sometimes are annoyingly filled with the realness of our communication, “um’s” and “you knows” abound. 

If you are interested in coming in to do some sex therapy work, even if your questions come from that place of pathology I was referencing, like “why won’t my [insert body part] work the way I want it to?”, you can count on my style being more aligned with this book, and focused on helping you to find the most pleasure, deliciousness, and just enough safety to be able to take some fun risks in your sex life. Click below to request a free, 15 minute consultation with me to get the process of therapy started, and order this book right away so you can get a jump on the work!

Link to Schedule a Consultation

Link to Magnificent Sex by Peggy J. Kleinplatz, PhD and A. Dana Ménard, PhD

Why you need to think about divorce now.

Divorce can be such a scary topic that people avoid REALLY thinking about it. Now, do you worry “Will it harm my kids if I get divorced?”, “Am I really to blame for these problems and I should just give in and stop complaining so much?”, “Is my husband a narcissist?”, “Would an open marriage really solve all our problems?”, “Will we end up in financial ruin if we get divorced?” —probably you’ve ruminated on some flavor of these types of worries. But that’s not what I’m talking about.

I mean you need to face the hard questions that you have for yourself HEAD ON. Actually imagine the divorce, and think about what it would take. What would you need that you don’t already have? How would you go about getting those resources, be it lawyers, books, financial advisors, a new apartment? What hard conversations would you need to have that you are avoiding now? Because believe me—you’re going to have to have them, and maybe not in the way you’d prefer.

What hopes do you have for what divorce would bring for you? For your partner? For your children? For your family and community? What regrets do you have about your own part in the marriage? What gratitude do you have for your partner that you’d want them to know about if you could part on good terms? What is your ideal structure for separating? It is really smart to be prepared with answers to some of these questions before throwing out the D word in a fit of rage.

Just THINKING about divorce, imagining it, planning it, really looking at what it would mean for you and your loved ones directly is so important, and must be distinguished from WORRYING about divorce. By really thinking it through, you may see some solutions come up—is there something you’re not saying that needs to be said? Is there something your partner avoids, but you haven’t really insisted on it? Do you find that there’s one last thing you have to try to say you’ve tried it all before calling it quits (often this is couples therapy, but DON’T WAIT on that!!)? Or maybe thinking it through just gives you the plan that you need to take the next step towards the life you want to live.

If this suggestion sounds too scary to try alone—I’m here to tell you that therapy is a great place to sound it out! Schedule a call with me to talk it out alone or bring your partner to see if things can change.

Recovering from Ambition

It wasn’t until it was gone that I realized I’d had a problem. That my motor was running on a toxic fuel. It just felt so good to be in motion! I always knew I was on the right path, doing the right thing. Those weird stirrings of discomfort? They were just weakness leaving the body, right? I believed if I pushed through and kept going, once I reached my goal, those feelings would disappear and I’d be….happy, successful, and done.

So why didn’t that moment ever come? Why couldn’t I settle? I was a Program Director, a literal boss! I owned a home, I was in a long term relationship, everything was perfect. And I’d built it all just the way I wanted! Or…was it just the way I was supposed to want it? Why was it so hard to tell the difference? That was confusing, made no sense. I’d better get back to work.

For someone who is in the business of helping people change their lives, you’d think I would’ve figured this out sooner. And ultimately I have no regrets about that time. But it was complicated! I thought ambition was my friend, helping me to get shit done. What I didn’t really examine was what fed that ambition. Who said getting to the top would make me happy? And the top of what, exactly? What was I missing in my rush to get there? I never stopped to ask myself those deeper questions—only "what’s next?" or "how do I overcome this obstacle?"

My EMDR therapist once asked, “Should we talk about your relationship?” I confidently replied, "Oh no, that’s fine. I have bigger problems to talk about." And I wasn’t entirely wrong—my relationship was good. I believed with enough ambition, I could accomplish (read: maintain, stay in, never quit) a relationship, just like any other goal. But it wasn’t right for me, and I didn’t realize that until it ended. If my ex is reading this: again, no regrets! He’s the one that told me: “this is never going to be what you want”. And deep down, I knew he was right.

Honestly, it took a lot more than that for me to really wake up. Starting my business and quitting my nonprofit job (where people told me I was being foolish and unsafe, maybe even unethical), and a lot more heartbreak forced me to confront the way ambition was running my life. I won’t get into too many details (it’s confidential, right?), but there was a turning point where ambition betrayed me. I completely stopped. But—surprisingly—I didn’t die. My business didn’t fail. My people didn’t abandon me. And I created space for a new relationship with myself.

It sounds cheesy, but I really had to learn to tune in to myself. To notice my anxiety (was that all ambition was?) and instead of springing into action, I learned to wait. To feel it. To tolerate not knowing what to do and to stay in the unknown. This was so much harder than I expected. I thought I knew myself! Why was clarity no longer instant? As I shed those layers, I realized I did know myself—but I hadn’t been letting myself lead. I was being pushed around by invisible "shoulds" disguised as clarity. And this is what I often see with clients—it’s disorienting to dive deep. You feel lost before you find your way. I had to stop referencing the roadmap of shoulds and chart a new path, find my internal guidance.

This shift was messy, and took time, and it’s something I’m still committed to. Now, it looks like slowing down, inquiring within, and embracing the unknown. I don’t need all the answers or a perfect plan. Trusting myself to handle life’s surprises—rather than trying to control every outcome—has been such a relief.

I am not going to pretend like I know all the answers or fully understand how ambition can mask anxiety, but I share this story because whenever I do, someone in the room nods their head and shares their own story. I learn so much from these conversations, and I love uncovering, together, how forces like ambition, perfectionism, and fear of failure can push us around without permission. I’d love to hear your story too.

Can I be bisexual and monogamous?

What does it mean to discover you are bisexual while you are in a monogamous relationship or marriage? And what are you supposed to do about that?! Can bisexuals BE monogamous?? The more awareness we have about the spectrums of sexuality and gender expression, the more people who are in monogamous relationships or marriages are asking “could my life have taken another path?” quickly followed by “what does that MEAN!?!” The first step is:

1. DON’T PANIC: Easier said than done, but I want to reassure you that you don’t have to figure this all out at once. In fact, you can’t. Sorry. There’s a natural process of discovery, and it’s going to provide you with plenty of challenge, even without adding a sense of urgency to the situation. Take a deep breath, and remember the hard things you’ve gotten through before. Write down your biggest questions and concerns so that they’re not running in your head on a loop. You can tackle them one by one (although it probably won’t feel this orderly in real life), along with whatever else comes your way as you go.

2. Get support: A trusted friend might be a good place to start. Do you know any monogamous bisexual people you could confide in? How about bisexuals in open relationships? Any trusted LGBTQ people would be a good start if you mostly hang out with straight people. There are also support groups (I love the apps Plura and Meetup for this) that you can find in your community or online. Obviously, I’m going to tell you that therapy is a great option to get expertise that is individualized to your situation and guidance that’s tailored to you.

3. Consider how and when to tell your partner: You may or may not be ready to tell your partner yet—they have a major stake in this game, and it’s ok for you to have some privacy around this if you need to figure out how you feel first. If they are someone who can handle uncertainty and ambiguity and are generally supportive—go for it! But don’t feel pressured into making any big promises (“this won’t change anything for us, I swear!”), or expressing a certainty you don’t have. Coming out can be a big deal, and it may be a big deal to them or not. They may have a lot of questions about how this will impact them that you can’t answer yet. Are you and your relationship ready for that conversation, or do you need some preparation?

4. Explore your sexuality and relationship orientation more: Start by reading books and articles, watching videos and movies, meeting people and going to community events and then reflecting on how these make you feel. This is a process of self-discovery, and you need to have experiences to understand yourself on a deeper level. Don’t overwhelm yourself, take it slow and easy. You definitely do not need to jump into opening your relationships, but that may be an option you want to consider with your partner. If it is, there is a big process of opening up that you want to get support and information about before diving in. If not, check in to see if there is any grief about experiences you won’t get to have, or feel you missed out on.

5. Honor your sexuality in whatever way is genuine to you: There is no right way to be bisexual. Who you have sex with does not determine your sexuality. Perhaps it will feel empowering to go to a Pride parade, or to join an LGBTQ+ social group. Use fantasy (with or without your partner!) to explore your sexuality in an embodied way while keeping your relationship agreements. Hang out with people who know you are bisexual and respect your identity no matter who you are with. Check out the Klein Grid to see some ideas about ways your sexuality is expressed that you might not have thought of: https://www.bisexuality.org/thekleingrid

6. Be discerning about who you share with at this early stage: Ultimately, your sexuality is yours to determine and define. You can and should be thoughtful about who you share this vulnerable and delicate information with. Use your intuition about who to trust and how much to share when you are ready. Of course I want you to always be able to be open about yourself, but you know the people in your life who are safe to do that with and the people who are not. It’s ok to wait if you’re not sure.