Why Does Sex Feel Like Another Chore?

Sep 17

You get through the workday. You answer the emails. You figure out dinner. Maybe there are kids, pets, laundry, aging parents, appointments, a house that somehow needs to be cleaned again even though you just did that. You finally get into bed, and your partner reaches for you.

And instead of feeling excited, you think: Oh god. One more thing.

Maybe you love your partner. Maybe you’re attracted to them. Maybe you even like sex once you’re having it. But when sex comes up, what you notice first isn’t desire. It’s the amount of energy it seems to require.

If sex has started to feel like another chore on your to-do list, that doesn't automatically mean you've lost your libido, fallen out of love, or become sexually incompatible. Sometimes it means exactly what it sounds like:

Sex has become work.

And before we try to figure out how to make you want more of it, it's worth figuring out what, exactly, is making it feel like so much work.

Sometimes the problem isn't sex. It's everything required to get to sex.

We tend to talk about sexual desire as though it should simply appear. Either you're horny or you're not. Either you have a high sex drive or a low one. If you used to want sex and now you don't, something must have happened to your libido.

But desire is much more contextual than that.

Imagine I told you that you could have an incredible dinner tonight—but first you need to decide what everyone wants, shop for the ingredients, clean the kitchen, cook for an hour, set the table, make sure everyone is enjoying themselves, and clean everything up afterward.

You might genuinely love good food (and even love cooking!) and still think, Can we just order a pizza?

Sex can become the same way.

For some people, having sex means showering, shaving, getting into the right headspace, initiating without seeming awkward, figuring out what their partner wants, figuring out what they want, worrying about whether they're taking too long, trying to orgasm, helping their partner orgasm, managing insecurities about their body, performing enthusiasm, and then dealing with whatever their partner might feel if the whole thing doesn't go particularly well.

That's not exactly an erotic fantasy. That's project management.

When someone tells me they have low desire, one of the things I'm interested in is whether they actually don't want sexual pleasure—or whether they don't want the amount of labor that has become attached to getting there.

[LINK: Why Don’t I Enjoy Sex?]

Your brain may have learned that sex comes with a job description

Sex is especially likely to start feeling like a chore when you've become responsible for someone else's sexual happiness.

Maybe your partner wants sex more often than you do, and you know they feel rejected when you say no. Maybe they've stopped initiating because they don't want to pressure you, but now you feel responsible for remembering to initiate. Maybe sex has become an ongoing relationship issue, so every sexual encounter feels like evidence that the relationship is either doing well or doing badly.

Now you're not just deciding whether you'd enjoy sex tonight.

You're deciding whether your partner will feel loved. Whether they'll feel attractive. Whether you'll have another conversation about your sex life this weekend. Whether you've said no "too many times." Whether you are being a good spouse. Whether this is going to become a Problem.

That's a tremendous amount of meaning to put on one sexual encounter.

It also creates a miserable paradox: the more important it becomes that you want sex, the harder it can be to actually experience desire.

Pressure is not particularly sexy.

Duty sex can make sex feel even more like work

Lots of loving people have sex they don't especially want.

Sometimes that's completely fine. There is a meaningful difference between I wasn't spontaneously horny, but I'm open to seeing where this goes and I really don't want to do this, but I feel like I should.

The first can be part of responsive desire. You might not start out craving sex, but you feel safe, receptive, and curious enough to begin, and desire develops once you're touching, kissing, relaxing, or becoming aroused.

The second is duty sex.

Duty sex is sex you have primarily because you feel obligated to provide it, prevent conflict, reassure your partner, meet a quota, or prove something about your relationship.

It can solve the immediate problem: your partner wanted sex; you had sex.

But your body may gradually start learning that sexual initiation means an obligation is coming. And that what you want isn’t necessarily going to be at the center of that experience.

Then a kiss isn't necessarily just a kiss. Cuddling might lead somewhere. Going to bed early creates an expectation. A massage comes with a question mark attached to it. Even affection that used to feel wonderful can start producing vigilance: Is this going to turn into sex?

Eventually you may start avoiding the very kinds of touch that could have helped create desire because touch no longer feels free.

That's one reason "just have sex more often and you'll start wanting it again" can backfire spectacularly.

There may be too much Sex™ in your sex

Couples can develop a remarkably narrow definition of what counts as sex.

There is a sequence. There are expected activities. There is an endpoint. There may even be an unspoken minimum amount of time required for the encounter to qualify.

Suddenly sex requires a two-hour opening in your calendar and the energy of someone who has recently returned from vacation.

If that's your sexual menu, it makes sense that on a Wednesday night you'd rather watch television.

One of the most useful things you can do when sex has become burdensome is make the menu bigger.

What if sexual connection could mean making out for ten minutes? Mutual masturbation? Giving or receiving pleasure without an expectation of reciprocity that same night? Using a vibrator together? Lying naked in bed? One person saying, "I would love for you to touch me, but I don't want this to turn into intercourse"?

What if you could start something without promising to finish it? This is an especially important question to ponder with yourself and perhaps with your partner.

If beginning sexual contact means you're signing a contract to complete a predictable series of activities, you need to be pretty certain you want the whole package before you start. If you're genuinely allowed to notice what feels good, continue while it feels good, change direction, or stop, there's much more room for curiosity.

And curiosity is a much friendlier environment for desire than obligation.

Sometimes you are simply exhausted

Not every sexual problem contains a profound psychological mystery.

Sometimes you're tired.

Chronic stress, inadequate sleep, parenting, caregiving, demanding jobs, medications, hormonal changes, pain, depression, anxiety, body-image concerns, relationship conflict, and physical health issues can all affect sexual desire. If you've noticed a substantial or sudden change in libido, particularly alongside other physical or emotional changes, it's worth talking with an appropriate medical provider rather than assuming the answer is purely relational.

But even ordinary life can be spectacularly unsexy.

We often expect eroticism to spontaneously emerge at the end of days organized around productivity, responsibility, screens, logistics, and getting shit done. Then we're surprised that at 10:47 p.m. the nervous system would prefer unconsciousness.

That doesn't necessarily mean you need to "schedule sex," although some people genuinely like doing that. It does mean you may need to stop expecting desire to thrive exclusively in whatever scraps of time are left after everything else has received your energy.

Sometimes improving your sex life requires looking well beyond the bedroom.

Do you ever get leisure time? Do you ever inhabit your body without accomplishing something with it? When do you feel playful? When do you feel like an adult with a sexuality rather than an employee, parent, caretaker, or household administrator?

If your entire life feels like a list of responsibilities, it isn't especially surprising when sex gets added to the list.

So how do you make sex feel less like a chore?

I wouldn't start with a sex quota.

I'd start by removing some of the labor.

Look at what has accumulated around sex and ask what is actually necessary. Maybe you need affection that explicitly will not lead to sex, so touch can become pleasurable again (as in you feel pleasure when you are being touched). Maybe you need permission to have a ten-minute sexual experience rather than an elaborate production. Maybe you need to be able to start without promising to finish. Maybe one person needs to stop being responsible for initiating every encounter. Maybe you need to talk about the kinds of sex you actually want instead of how often you should be having it.

And maybe you need more pleasure that belongs to you.

Your sexuality does not exist solely for the maintenance of your relationship. Masturbation, fantasy, erotica, toys, noticing attraction, exploring kink or queer identity, or simply paying attention to what makes you feel alive can help you become better acquainted with your erotic self without having to immediately turn that information into something for another person.

The point isn't to construct another self-improvement program called Fix My Libido.

It's to make sexuality less about accomplishing something and more about noticing what you genuinely want.

Sex therapy isn't about convincing you to have more sex

People sometimes arrive in couples therapy or sex therapy assuming the goal will be to negotiate the correct frequency: one partner wants sex three times a week, the other wants it once a month, so perhaps the therapist will announce that once a week is reasonable and everyone can go home.

That isn't particularly interesting to me.

I'm much more interested in understanding what sex has come to mean between you.

What happens when one of you initiates? What happens when the other says no? Where does pleasure show up? Where does pressure show up? What are you afraid would happen if you were completely honest about what you want—or don't want? What sexual experiences have you never considered because they don't fit your idea of what sex is supposed to look like?

Couples therapy or sex therapy can create a place to talk about those things without immediately turning them into an argument about frequency, rejection, or whose needs matter more.

Sometimes the goal isn't more sex.

It's creating a sexual life that you have some actual reason to want.

[LINK: My Partner Doesn't Want Sex as Much as I Do. What Do We Do?]

If sex feels like a chore, take in that information

You don't have to immediately conclude that something is wrong with you, your partner, or your relationship.

But I also wouldn't ignore the feeling.

Chores are things we do because they need to get done. Sex is not supposed to be something you owe another person because you're in a relationship with them.

So instead of beginning with How do I make myself want sex more?, try asking better questions.

What part of sex feels like work? What am I responsible for when we have sex? What happens if I say no? What happens if we start and I want to stop? What kind of touch do I actually look forward to? When do I feel most connected to my sexuality?

And perhaps most importantly:

If I didn't have to take care of anyone else's feelings about my sexuality for a minute, what would I want?

You may not know yet.

Figuring that out can be much more useful than forcing yourself through another item on the list.

Frequently Asked Questions

Why does sex feel like a chore even though I love my partner?

Loving your partner and wanting sex aren't the same thing. Sex can begin to feel like a chore because of stress, exhaustion, relationship pressure, duty sex, predictable sexual routines, or feeling responsible for your partner's sexual satisfaction. Understanding what makes sex feel burdensome is often more useful than simply trying to increase your libido.

Why don't I want sex anymore?

Low sexual desire can have many causes, including stress, fatigue, medications, hormonal changes, relationship conflict, sexual pressure, pain, anxiety, depression, or simply not enjoying the kind of sex you're having. A significant or sudden change in libido can also be worth discussing with a medical provider.

What's the difference between responsive desire and duty sex?

With responsive desire, you may not feel spontaneously horny before sexual contact begins, but you're genuinely open to the experience and desire develops as you become aroused. Duty sex happens when you participate primarily because you feel obligated, pressured, guilty, or responsible for someone else's feelings. Responsive desire does not require overriding your own boundaries.

How can I make sex feel less like work?

Start by identifying what makes sex feel laborious. Reducing pressure, broadening what counts as sex, allowing sexual contact to stop without consequences, making room for nonsexual affection, and focusing more on what you actually enjoy can all help. The goal isn't necessarily to have more sex; it's to create sexual experiences you have more reason to want.

Can sex therapy help if sex feels like a chore?

Yes. Couples therapy or sex therapy can help you explore low desire, sexual pressure, duty sex, mismatched libidos, and the expectations that have accumulated around sex. Therapy can also help partners talk more openly about pleasure and desire without turning every conversation into a negotiation about how often they should be having sex.

Colleen Hennessy