Why you need to think about divorce now.

Divorce can be such a scary topic that people avoid REALLY thinking about it. Now, do you worry “Will it harm my kids if I get divorced?”, “Am I really to blame for these problems and I should just give in and stop complaining so much?”, “Is my husband a narcissist?”, “Would an open marriage really solve all our problems?”, “Will we end up in financial ruin if we get divorced?” —probably you’ve ruminated on some flavor of these types of worries. But that’s not what I’m talking about.

I mean you need to face the hard questions that you have for yourself HEAD ON. Actually imagine the divorce, and think about what it would take. What would you need that you don’t already have? How would you go about getting those resources, be it lawyers, books, financial advisors, a new apartment? What hard conversations would you need to have that you are avoiding now? Because believe me—you’re going to have to have them, and maybe not in the way you’d prefer.

What hopes do you have for what divorce would bring for you? For your partner? For your children? For your family and community? What regrets do you have about your own part in the marriage? What gratitude do you have for your partner that you’d want them to know about if you could part on good terms? What is your ideal structure for separating? It is really smart to be prepared with answers to some of these questions before throwing out the D word in a fit of rage.

Just THINKING about divorce, imagining it, planning it, really looking at what it would mean for you and your loved ones directly is so important, and must be distinguished from WORRYING about divorce. By really thinking it through, you may see some solutions come up—is there something you’re not saying that needs to be said? Is there something your partner avoids, but you haven’t really insisted on it? Do you find that there’s one last thing you have to try to say you’ve tried it all before calling it quits (often this is couples therapy, but DON’T WAIT on that!!)? Or maybe thinking it through just gives you the plan that you need to take the next step towards the life you want to live.

If this suggestion sounds too scary to try alone—I’m here to tell you that therapy is a great place to sound it out! Schedule a call with me to talk it out alone or bring your partner to see if things can change.